Do you think the Christmas gods would relent this year if we just offered up a small fortune to Mariah?

I had to check if this was an Onion article…

How to make spaghetti carbonara taste better:

Food evolutionary genetics have not yet developed to the point of being able to successfully grow a tongue on a portion of spaghetti carbonara. However, the Gordon Ramsay-Bolton at the Food Research Institute in Bologna has made some key breakthroughs in surgically attaching mature pig tongues onto the carbonara using surgical-graded pasta-based thread and using a butter salve rubbed directly onto the tongue which has resulted in better tasting carbonara. Based on initial trials on 1455 individual portions, results have shown that the tongue was rejected in 40% of cases, which can result in a bad-tasting spaghetti carbonara.

How to change a lightbulb:

You cannot change a lightbulb without first identifying its political and social beliefs. Try having a conversation with it first to gauge what they think on a number of important subjects - do spanners have eyes, what colour is thought, when is the best time of day to think about popcorn, etc. Then try and challenge their beliefs with logical counterpoints, ask them how they formulated this belief. If this doesn’t work, try offering them money - £20 is usually enough, or as much as you can afford. It is best to check on the lightbulb every few weeks to make sure they haven’t changed back.

Some societies believe that it is wrong to change a lightbulb, and you should let them live life uninhibited. To find out more information, you can pour battery acid into a bowl of flour and encourage friends to juggle.

His haggard splotchy face is looking more like Davros every day.

The thing is, bluetooth is not a perfect solution. It drains battery, is patchy and has variable audio quality, creates yet another thing to remember to charge (children are rubbish at remembering so just end up blaring awful videos on long journeys for everyone to hear), you can have issues with connecting devices that are literally inches away, and crucially - they are not mutually exclusive. I currently have a Samsung A52S which has a 3.5mm jack as well as Bluetooth technology. Even phones 10 years ago offered both. They are just removing an option many people still opt to use - especially those who can’t afford good quality expensive wireless headphones.

It is a cheap, universal option. Bluetooth technology is expensive and have diminishing battery performance. I’ve accidentally put £5 wired headphones through the wash before and still work perfectly. They last an entire plane trip UK to Australia without running out. If I am doing a task that requires my hands and don’t want to snag, I have wireless ones I can use.

It’s not something that needs replacing. I don’t need my phone to be thinner than 3.5mm, I m going to put a chunky protective case on it regardless.

It’s like getting rid of public transport because most people drive.

I have only ever bought phones with a 3.5mm jack. I have expensive Sony headphones I use for music and would hate having that option taken away from me. That’s why Fairphone is still a miss for me right now.

All of my Bluetooth experiences from headphones to Alexa devices have been more of a nuisance than a convenience, often not pairing, randomly unpairing or forgetting connectivity, finding it difficult to unpair to pair another device, not finding devices literally centimetres away, draining phone battery faster, short bluetooth device lifespan, recharging requirements, sound quality, and price points all going against them. I have seen people unironically suggest adding a wire to the Bluetooth headphones so you could charge them from your phone while listening to music. Bluetooth isn’t good enough to supercede wires.

Usb C converter is not the same as plain wired connectivity, its more fragile than 3.5mm, it cannot be rotated or twisted, it is bulkier, prevents charging at the same time, and adds yet another small expensive wire to forget, lose, or break. It solves a problem no-one asked for. Anyone who doesn’t want a smashed screen has a chunky case so phone thinness doesn’t matter.

I just want all of my tech to work with each other universally. We used to have the choice of both and I think returning to this standard will make everyone happy.

Still no 3.5mm jack, still no dice for me.

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