I had that too. When you’re a cis male adult you’ve had decades of social conditioning telling you that’s not allowed. I’m gay but being born in Spain I was brought up in a traditional macho culture. I’d “pass” except for those with the most finely tuned gaydar, not because I tried hiding it by the time I realised but because I was conditioned to fit in the straight cis male behaviour box.

It took me a few years of unlearning trying to shake it off myself and what helped most, a loving partner who is in tune with his emotions. I have gotten immensely better at understanding and expressing my emotions, verbally or otherwise, and also doing that without channelling them into “proxy” emotions that are acceptable for macho expectations and culture.