ATLANTA—Checking in at the building’s visitor desk under the singular name “Janitor,” the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. “All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper’s office and steal the answer key,” said Don Jr. to his brother Eric, who was attempting to use a Roblox gift card to jimmy open an unlocked copy room door. “Don’t worry, this is exactly how I passed geogramy [sic]. Okay, we’re in. Be on the lookout for a red pen—answers are always in red pen. I really hope it’s a not fill-in-the-blank cuz it’s way easier to remember A, B, C, or D. Plus, it’s super hard to fit whole entire words on your hands. Our other option is to break the CNN Scantron machine so they have to cancel the debate altogether. Shh! I hear someone coming. We may have to chlorophyll [sic] him—did you bring that wet paper towel like I told you? Too late—quick, hide under the desk like a normal janitor would.” At press time, the Trump boys proudly presented their father with a stolen ream of blank printer paper.
